Old Wood-eye ...

One of my favorite stories from my MP company command time involved a trip to California in 1986. Our MPs were assigned to provide HQ security for Third Army as it conducted an exercise called Gallant Eagle.

We finished packing all our gear in a semi-truck which was under government contract to be delivered to the exercise site in three days. I don't know what kind of stuff the driver was on, but he made it a day and a half trip, getting to the base in the evening of the second day. Of course, the base security force guys were not expecting any semis with Army stuff on it yet, so they told the driver to drop the trailer in a secure holding area and they would hold it there until we arrived. So far, so good. I sent my advanced party out to arrive there in three days. This plan will work.

Well, it seems there was an Air Force major who headed up the security detail at the base and he must have been bored. He noticed on the shipping manifest that there were automatic weapons in the trailer (M-60 machine guns). The weapons were secured in racks and steel lockers with high security locks, inside a trailer with high security locks and trucking company seals, inside a secure, fenced-in holding area which had 24-hour guards on it -- it still should have worked.

So much for "should of, could of, would of." The major decided he wanted to verify the contents of the trailer so he took it upon himself to break all the locks and seals and enter the trailer. He only saw the weapons in the racks and brilliantly figured out that that count didn't match the manifest. Oh, oh...

He looked around for the property owners -- my guys on advanced party (who weren't there yet, remember) -- and not finding them, called the Chief of Physical Security, Office of the Provost Marshal General at the Pentagon in Washington, DC "to report the loss or theft of automatic weapons." He didn't first check with his base commander or the 3d Army liaison or anyone else that we could figure.

All the while, I was back in my office in the unit headquarters, reviewing some Army stuff, when I got a call..."Captain, this is FULL COLONEL SO AND SO from the PENTAGON. You have lost some automatic weapons and you are going to jail." That may not have been a quote, and I'm sure he was just messin' with me to get my attention, but at this point in my career all I really heard was "jail."

Well, mustering all the courage of someone who has been a Captain for only a few months, I said: "Well, COLONEL S0-and-so, SIR, I happen to have my shipping receipts right here in front of me and they are signed by my armourer and my supply sergeant (you can see his blog at Poolpatcher's Ramblings ) and if they signed it, it is correct." I assured him that my advanced party was enroute and should be there in the morning and they would straighten this all out. Well, the Colonel bought off on it and told me to call him back the next afternoon with the results. Needless to say, before heading down the hall to the restroom, I made some calls in order to contact the advanced party to get some reassurance that I/we weren't going to jail.

The next day, the supply sergeant met up with this major and showed him all the weapons. He then questioned the major as to why he thought it his duty to break all these seals and locks, who authorized this breaking and entry, who reinventoried all this U.S. Government property, and so-on and so-forth. The major started to get flustered so Dave (my supply sergeant) started to pressure him a bit and the major really got rattled. He finally admitted that he screwed up and asked Dave to not report him to the base commander as he had screwed up a few things recently and he thought the commander would fire him. One strange thing about this major was he had a very pronounced thyroid condition. He was very pasty-skinned and his eyes were somewhat protruding. The more Dave badgered him about the Provost Marshal's office being involved and how his own captain could be disciplined or possibly go to jail, the major became more and more excited and, all of a sudden, his eye popped out of its socket!! Well just as calmly as you please, he simply put his hand up to it and literally pushed it back in place. Said it happens all the time when he gets too excited!!

Dave was so flabbergasted he didn't know what to do. I'm sure he tried not to laugh or wet himself, or spit or something like that. Doubt if I would have shown anywhere as much composure as my professional NCOs had I been there.

This has been one of those oft-repeated stories we Soldiers would retell over a tall, cold one. Experiences like this are things that make strong the bonds of soldiering.

"Only mediocrity can be trusted to be always at its best." (Max Beerbohm)

Hooah